Combining the power of my mind and tumblr to lose

Need to write here more...

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 13:42:39 -0500

I ate a lot yesterday. A sick amount. But I kept it down. Progress.

Today I ate a big breakfast, small lunch, and had a binge and purge. I stopped at one though and without a cigarette.

I didn’t restrict afterwards, made myself a nice sized dinner, not even something super healthy, ate all of it, and had some dark chocolate. Might have something more if I feel the need.

For some reason, I got some sort of strange motivation after my binge and purge to start eating bigger hardier meals. I’ve pursued this goal before, but always made sure my “hearty” meals were within my calorie budget. My body uses up a lot of energy, and I need to learn to be okay with eating good amounts. When I don’t, I think about it too much and go crazy. I’m cutting negativity out of my life one thing at a time. And everything else is so perfect right now, this is kind of the final frontier. I can beat this, maybe not today, tomorrow, next month, or next year, but I WILL beat this eventually. I will not continue to abuse the only body I have for the rest of my life. Or I will no longer have a life to live.

Going to use this as a journal for my bulimia journey...

Sun, 27 Jan 2013 17:13:02 -0500

I just had a binge and I feel like shit. But I am NOT going to purge this time.

It was:

A piece of bread with nutella

A cup of almonds with half a cup of mixed chocolate chips and probably 1/4 cup raisins

Sandwich thin sandwich with nutella and peanut butter

Big bowl of raisin bran

And before all of that I had already eaten a lot today. Chocolate chips, brownies with cookie dough, and more chocolate. Typing this all out makes me realize it wasn’t an atrocious binge though.

I am going to keep strong though, even though I feel like a fat fuck, and I know I’ve gained weight, and my legs are gargantuan trunks of disgust, I will not purge, at least not today.

To look back on later.

Fri, 23 Nov 2012 20:27:14 -0500

I AM OR HAVE BEEN:

[x] anorexic
[x ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs (45kg)
[ ] fasting/starving myself

PEOPLE:

[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] have called me fat
[x] have said I’m skinny
[ ] have said I’m ugly
[x] have said I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH:

[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[x] I could stop being anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I LOVE:

[ ] feeling hungry
[ ] seeing a difference when fasting
[ ] shaking
[ ] feeling airy
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE:

[ ] I am shorter than 5’4
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes
[ ] I have many scars
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color

[ ] I have a tattoo
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance
[x] I have/had braces
[/] I wear glasses
[/] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears
[ ] I have freckles

FAMILY:

[x] I’ve sworn at my parents
[/] I’ve run away from home
[ ] I’ve been kicked out of the house
[x] My biological parents are together
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old
[x] I want to have kids someday
[ ] I’ve had children
[ ] I’ve lost a child
[ ] I can’t have children

RELATIONSHIPS:

[x ] I’m single
[ ] I’m in a relationship
[ ] I’m engaged
[ ] I’m married
[ ] I’ve gone on a blind date
[ ] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper
[ ] I miss someone right now
[ ] I have a fear of abandonment
[ ] I’ve cheated in a relationship
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced
[ ] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
[ ] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t
[ ] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did
[ ] I’ve kept something from a past relationship
[ ] I’ve been ‘the other woman’

SEXUALITY:

[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex
[x ] I’ve had a crush on a teacher
[x] I am a cuddler
[ ] I’ve kissed in the rain
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger
[ ] I have kissed a stranger

BAD TIMES:

[x] I’ve consumed alcohol
[ ] I regularly drink
[ ] I can’t swallow pills
[ ] I can swallow numerous pills at a time without water
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset
[/] I take anti-depressants
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS
[ ] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose
[ ] I’m addicted to self harm

[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[ ] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me
[x] I’m at my thinnest
[ ] I’m at my biggest
[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[ ] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[ ] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[ ] I get depressed after I eat
[ ] I’ve skipped a meal
[ ] I’ve thrown food away
[ ] I’ve spit food out
[ ] I’ve fasted
[ ] I’ve taken diet pills
[x] I’ve used laxatives
[x] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[ ] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[ ] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

I’VE DONE:

[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[ ] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[x] Sleeping pills
[x] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[x] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine
[ ] Other

HABITS:

[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[ ] I look at thinspo
[ ] I collect thinspo
[x] I count calories
[ ] I’ve had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[x] I love food
[ ] I want to be this way
[x] I don’t want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[ ] Being thin is my top priority - Being Healthy
[ ] I am in treatment
[x] I’m doing this for me
[ ] I’m doing this for someone
[ ] I’m doing this to prove myself

eatcleanmakechanges: very very cool

Fri, 02 Nov 2012 03:54:52 -0400

eatcleanmakechanges:

very very cool

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Mon, 30 Apr 2012 03:57:56 -0400

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Sun, 18 Mar 2012 23:55:48 -0400

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Wed, 14 Mar 2012 14:20:41 -0400

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Sun, 11 Mar 2012 08:27:24 -0400

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Sun, 11 Mar 2012 07:01:52 -0400

toastyflatworm: this looks way more appetizing than a piece of...

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 20:41:34 -0500

toastyflatworm:

this looks way more appetizing than a piece of steak, in my opinion. (via Coconut Dragon Bowl — the tolerant vegan)

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Sat, 25 Feb 2012 19:55:48 -0500

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Sat, 25 Feb 2012 19:30:16 -0500

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Wed, 22 Feb 2012 13:46:32 -0500

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Tue, 21 Feb 2012 10:35:37 -0500

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Mon, 20 Feb 2012 15:02:17 -0500

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Mon, 20 Feb 2012 02:57:07 -0500

only12togo: Delicious.

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 02:19:17 -0500

only12togo:

Delicious.

celestialfaun: bloody love karla’s blog

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 01:56:49 -0500

celestialfaun:

bloody love karla’s blog

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Sun, 19 Feb 2012 15:24:51 -0500

veganskinnybitch: fitsam: realfoodology: To take to work or...

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 12:48:00 -0500

veganskinnybitch:

fitsam:

realfoodology:

To take to work or school =)

this is too cuteeeeee

This will never be enough salad for me.